Is this “The ONE?”
When I was dating I
remember constantly being smothered with that one giant question.
That was the point of
dating, right? To magically stumble upon “The One” like finding the gold at the
end of a rainbow that is being carried by a unicorn with leprechaun jockey.
But how are you supposed to know which one is the right one?
Instead of being
constantly squashed by this huge question when your relationship starts getting
more serious, you should ask yourself these nine questions instead:
1. Do I want to become like this person?
Marriage is like rolling
Play-Doh: the more two different colors are meshed together the harder it
becomes to distinguish one from another.
In marriage you begin to
rub off on each other, subtly taking on traits and characteristics of the
other.
Does this thought excite
you or does it make you feel like you just digested a can of the aforementioned
Play-Doh?
Yes, in marriage you
still are your own person. And you need to have your own identity beyond your
spouse. But if you don’t want to become like the person you’re dating, should
you be dating?
2. Am I attracted to this person? (and more than just to how they look?)
One of the biggest lies
of our culture is that attraction is solely about appearance.
If you can just get your
hair, abs, complexion, and clothes just right, then “The One” will scamper to
you like a squirrel to a nut factory.
However, attraction runs
much deeper than looks. Sure, appearance might catch someone’s eye, but it’s
personality, values, faith, heart and those other intangible things that’s
going to make them stay.
Looks might deplete, but
true beauty never fades.
3. Do our core values and beliefs repel or compel each other?
We all have values that
direct us and help us make decisions—those beliefs that are fundamental to how
you are wired, guiding your actions, thoughts, plans and purpose on this earth.
The problem is most of us
have never articulated what those values really are. And if you don’t know your
values, how can you expect your partner to have a clue?
These values go beyond
just your stated religion. Two people who are following Christ can still have
some different core values that tangibly direct their decisions.
For example, you could
have a high value for responsibility and the person you’re dating could have a
high value for risk. Both values are good and not necessarily incompatible, but
if not articulated and discussed, it could be a point of high conflict if the
responsible person likes consistency and persistence, while the risk-taker
likes changing things up and going for the impossible.
Too many marriages start
(and end) with vague and un-identified core values.
4. Does this person challenge me?
Is your partner trying to
force you to become like them? Become like some figment of their unrealistic
dating imagination? Or are they challenging you to become more like Christ and
consequently, become a better, authentic you?
Your significant other
shouldn’t seek to totally change you, but they should seek to challenge you to
grow. And they should be growing alongside you, as well.
5. How does their family communicate?
We all go through
intense, all-encompassing communication training for years; it’s called
childhood. And it’s hard to un-wire 18 years of being shown how to talk and
listen to others in family situations.
Sure we’re not our
parents, and we can work to change our communication habits. However, for many
of us, our fallback communication plan will be the one our parents laid out for
us.
Holidays, especially, are
giving you a glimpse into how your partner has been taught and trained. Don’t
just sit back and eat that holiday ham. Sit up and take notes, because believe
me, you’ll want to feel prepared for the test that comes later.
6. Do they love from their insecurities or do they love from their strengths?
I first asked this
question in 11
Questions Every Twentysomething Should Ask, and I think it boils down to
this: Is their love based on you or is their love based on them?
Does your partner seek
out ways to understand how you receive love and meet that need? Do you do the
same?
If you or the person
you’re dating loves out of their insecurities, their love will be needy and
selfish. After all, love can be the worst form of manipulation there is.
But when someone loves
from their strengths, they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full
well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.
7. Have you both tackled your monsters?
We all have insecurities,
fears, failures, painful memories, and just all around unattractive stuff we’re
hiding in the back of our closet.
But just because you want
to pretend your monsters don’t exist doesn’t mean they’re just going to
magically go away. And marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you
hoped would remain hidden and put it on stage for a nationally televised
interview that your in-laws will be watching.
Tackle your monsters now.
Don’t let them crush your relationship later.
As I wrote in my
book 101 Secrets for your Twenties,"Newly married and
living in a small apartment is no place to store a luggage set full of your
baggage. Begin to ditch those bags now."
8. Do we enjoy doing the mundane together?
Marriage is as everyday
as it gets.
Marriage is budgets,
laundry, broken toilets, work, weddings, funerals, births and everything
in-between.
Can you envision enjoying
everyday life with the person you’re dating?
Again as I wrote in my book, "If you don’t enjoy going to the grocery
store with this person to buy eggs or changing the clothes at the laundromat,
then you might not enjoy doing marriage. Because marriage is built on a million
more mundane moments than magical."
9. What’s their vision for the future?
How do you envision
marriage after 10 years? Are you traveling the world with your spouse? Do you
have three kids encased in white picket glory? Are you both working corporate
jobs? Are you doing missions work in a different country? Do you have six kids
and are driving a bus across the nation to perform a family rhythmic gymnastics
routine at county fairs?
Your plans, goals, and
ideas of the future change–but people who refuse to talk about it rarely do.
If your visions for the
future look very different, it’s better to discuss it now than to be surprised
by it later.
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