20 Habits to Quit In the Next Year Read

Who knows where we pick up bad habits? They rarely seem like good ideas the first time we do them. Often, it's just the path of least resistance; something we did once because it seemed easier than not doing it and, the next thing you know, it's part of our day-to-day routine.

But it doesn't have to be.

This isn't about shaming anyone or holding up a measuring stick to see where the shortcomings are. Instead, it's a reminder that life is simply too short to weigh it down with unnecessary clutter. And while some of these habits are easier to break than others, all of them get in the way of the wild, radical lives we were created to live out.

1. Comparing Yourself to Others

Social media has made this an easy habit to cultivate, but sitting around wishing you were traveling Europe with your old college roommate or that your job was as cool as that guy's from church is a recipe for misery. Kick the habit of wishing your life was more exciting and go out and live it instead.

2. Putting Off That Project You Keep Meaning to Start

Whether it's a novel, a painting, a new porch or even meeting the neighbors, you'll feel much better once you just get going on it. Schedule it in if you have to. Set aside a day, an afternoon, even half an hour, and just start.

3. Wasting Food

About 40 percent of all food in the U.S. gets thrown out instead of eaten. A lot of us are contributing to that waste just out of habit of buying more food than we need or simply not using everything that's sitting in our fridges.

4. Waiting for the 'Next Big Thing'

Life won't begin when you get married, get your dream job, move to a new city, finally take that trip around the world or anything else. Life is made in the big events and the small moments.

5. Being Critical Without Being Productive

There's nothing wrong with pointing out things that need change, but it can become a bad habit if you don't also work to help make the changes happen.

6. Getting Into Un-Winnable Arguments on Social Media

Let's face it: No matter how many great points are made, arguing in the comments section doesn't change anyone's mind.

7. Saying You'll 'Read More' When You Have Time

Unfortunately, you're never going to magically have more time. You'll have to make a habit of making more.

8. Saying You'll 'Pray More' When You Have Time

This is another one where discipline is the real trick. Making time in your schedule is difficult, but the results will change your life.

9. Sleeping Till Noon on Saturday

Weekends are precious, and they're best enjoyed when you're well-rested, not oversleeping.

10. Living Paycheck to Paycheck

The reality is, you won't always be able to put money away. But whenever possible, saving money—even just a little, here and there—is a habit your future self will thank you for.

11. Talking Down to Yourself

You're not a failure, you're not dumb and you're good at what you do. Don't just kick the habit of thinking badly about yourself, work to replace the negatives with positives.

12. Watching More Than an Hour of TV Per Day

In the age of Netflix, with a lot of great television out there, it's easy (and fun) to binge once in a while. But if this becomes a regular activity, it's time to find a new hobby.

13. Making Your Phone the Last Thing You See Before You Go to Sleep ...

A 2008 study found that people who sleep with their phone close by take longer to fall asleep and spend less time in the deep stages of sleep.

14. ...Or When You Wake Up

Siri doesn't have to set the tone for your day.

15. Worrying About Things That Are Outside of Your Control

Worry can easily consume your life, but it can be controlled. Start by surrendering the things that no amount of worry can change.

16. Checking Twitter at Every Available Moment

There's a better use for those little pauses (in line at the grocery store, at a red light, etc.) than checking status updates. Pray, think of ways to help make someone else's day or maybe even just be still for a second.

17. Skipping Breakfast

It's the most important meal of the day, and it also provides you with a little time to take stock of your emotional and spiritual life before the day gets away from you.

18. Impulse Shopping

Add a little patience to your spending habits and make sure you're buying things that add actual value to your life.

19. Keeping Tabs on Exes via Facebook

Past relationships should generally be just that: in the past. Keeping tabs on former flames can be invite a lot more trouble than it's worth.

20. Beating Yourself Up If You Don't Get Over Every Single Habit

These are all things worth working on, but none of them are worth kicking yourself over. God isn't going to run out of grace for you, and you don't have to run out of grace for yourself.

repost from http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/20-habits-quit-next-year#UP3YEcBQ81zUmqa6.99

9 Questions to Ask When Your Relationship Starts Getting Serious

Is this “The ONE?”

When I was dating I remember constantly being smothered with that one giant question.

That was the point of dating, right? To magically stumble upon “The One” like finding the gold at the end of a rainbow that is being carried by a unicorn with leprechaun jockey.

But how are you supposed to know which one is the right one?

Instead of being constantly squashed by this huge question when your relationship starts getting more serious, you should ask yourself these nine questions instead:

1. Do I want to become like this person?

Marriage is like rolling Play-Doh: the more two different colors are meshed together the harder it becomes to distinguish one from another.

In marriage you begin to rub off on each other, subtly taking on traits and characteristics of the other.

Does this thought excite you or does it make you feel like you just digested a can of the aforementioned Play-Doh?

Yes, in marriage you still are your own person. And you need to have your own identity beyond your spouse. But if you don’t want to become like the person you’re dating, should you be dating?

2. Am I attracted to this person? (and more than just to how they look?)

One of the biggest lies of our culture is that attraction is solely about appearance.

If you can just get your hair, abs, complexion, and clothes just right, then “The One” will scamper to you like a squirrel to a nut factory.

However, attraction runs much deeper than looks. Sure, appearance might catch someone’s eye, but it’s personality, values, faith, heart and those other intangible things that’s going to make them stay.

Looks might deplete, but true beauty never fades.

3. Do our core values and beliefs repel or compel each other?

We all have values that direct us and help us make decisions—those beliefs that are fundamental to how you are wired, guiding your actions, thoughts, plans and purpose on this earth.

The problem is most of us have never articulated what those values really are. And if you don’t know your values, how can you expect your partner to have a clue?

These values go beyond just your stated religion. Two people who are following Christ can still have some different core values that tangibly direct their decisions.

For example, you could have a high value for responsibility and the person you’re dating could have a high value for risk. Both values are good and not necessarily incompatible, but if not articulated and discussed, it could be a point of high conflict if the responsible person likes consistency and persistence, while the risk-taker likes changing things up and going for the impossible.

Too many marriages start (and end) with vague and un-identified core values.

4. Does this person challenge me?

Is your partner trying to force you to become like them? Become like some figment of their unrealistic dating imagination? Or are they challenging you to become more like Christ and consequently, become a better, authentic you?

Your significant other shouldn’t seek to totally change you, but they should seek to challenge you to grow. And they should be growing alongside you, as well.

5. How does their family communicate?

We all go through intense, all-encompassing communication training for years; it’s called childhood. And it’s hard to un-wire 18 years of being shown how to talk and listen to others in family situations.

Sure we’re not our parents, and we can work to change our communication habits. However, for many of us, our fallback communication plan will be the one our parents laid out for us.

Holidays, especially, are giving you a glimpse into how your partner has been taught and trained. Don’t just sit back and eat that holiday ham. Sit up and take notes, because believe me, you’ll want to feel prepared for the test that comes later.

6. Do they love from their insecurities or do they love from their strengths?

I first asked this question in 11 Questions Every Twentysomething Should Ask, and I think it boils down to this: Is their love based on you or is their love based on them?

Does your partner seek out ways to understand how you receive love and meet that need? Do you do the same?

If you or the person you’re dating loves out of their insecurities, their love will be needy and selfish. After all, love can be the worst form of manipulation there is.

But when someone loves from their strengths, they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.

7. Have you both tackled your monsters?

We all have insecurities, fears, failures, painful memories, and just all around unattractive stuff we’re hiding in the back of our closet.

But just because you want to pretend your monsters don’t exist doesn’t mean they’re just going to magically go away. And marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you hoped would remain hidden and put it on stage for a nationally televised interview that your in-laws will be watching.

Tackle your monsters now. Don’t let them crush your relationship later.

As I wrote in my book 101 Secrets for your Twenties,"Newly married and living in a small apartment is no place to store a luggage set full of your baggage. Begin to ditch those bags now."

8. Do we enjoy doing the mundane together?

Marriage is as everyday as it gets.

Marriage is budgets, laundry, broken toilets, work, weddings, funerals, births and everything in-between.

Can you envision enjoying everyday life with the person you’re dating?

Again as I wrote in my book, "If you don’t enjoy going to the grocery store with this person to buy eggs or changing the clothes at the laundromat, then you might not enjoy doing marriage. Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical."

9. What’s their vision for the future?

How do you envision marriage after 10 years? Are you traveling the world with your spouse? Do you have three kids encased in white picket glory? Are you both working corporate jobs? Are you doing missions work in a different country? Do you have six kids and are driving a bus across the nation to perform a family rhythmic gymnastics routine at county fairs?

Your plans, goals, and ideas of the future change–but people who refuse to talk about it rarely do.

If your visions for the future look very different, it’s better to discuss it now than to be surprised by it later.

repost from at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/9-questions-ask-when-your-relationship-starts-getting-serious#72Jxxt5AZP69Ai9B.99

3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married

I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.

Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.

This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life.

This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world.

However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.

According to most research, more than 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture alludes to the fact that adultery and abuse may be reasons individuals might end a marriage, I’d be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage.

The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.

1. Marriage is not about living happily ever after.

Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.

I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more.

The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she's looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife.

Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.

I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.

When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.

2. The more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.

It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.

However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn’t hurt.

For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life.

To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.

Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

3. Marriage can change the world.

John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a Christian biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father?”

Medina's answer alludes to a surprising truth.

In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son’s behavior.

What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage.

Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”?

“Go home and love your wife.”

Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”

The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.

So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.

repost from http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-we-got-married#WKrHoIrgHFXK4YfD.99

10 Things Not to Do When A Friend Gets Their Heart Broken

“Ohhh, you guys broke up? I’m so sorry. Let me know if you need anything!" 

You may have received or sent a text like this after hearing about a friend’s relationship ending. It can be awkward to know what to do when a friend experiences heartbreak. Do you give them space? Do you go sit with them? What do you say?

Like everything else in life, it’s easier to get through with friends by your side. But here are a few things those friends shouldn't do.

1. Say "I'm Sorry" and Leave It at That.

“I’m sorry” is a fine thing to say, but that’s not what a person going through a breakup needs. They need to know their friends are going to be there for them and love them. Even a simple “I love you so much. I just want to let you know that I’m here for you” is great. The mind can be filled with a lot of dark thoughts during this time, so it’s important to override those negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

2. Say “Let Me Know If You Need Anything.”

Though you probably have the best intentions, this is basically an easy way out of the conversation. It lets you off the hook from actually doing anything and puts the ball in that person’s court. A person who is hurting probably isn’t going to reach out to his or her friends and ask them for stuff. They feel really vulnerable and just want others to reach out to them. Any sort of action that makes you go out of your way is going to mean a lot.

3. Assume They Need Alone Time.

A lot of times after a breakup, people find themselves alone. Personally, I went to the mall by myself right afterward to do some retail therapy. I would have loved it if someone could have joined me. It’s that whole “being alone thing” that your friend is going to have a tough time with.

4. Leave It Up to Them to Reach Out for Help.

Often, people say “call me if you want to talk.” Again, well-intentioned, but an easy way out. A person experiencing heartache does not want to feel like a burden. Calling them lets them know that you really do care and want to hear their heart.

5. Try to Fix Everything.

When you do talk or get together, be willing to just listen without interrupting. Though things like “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be” or “God will bring the right person along eventually” may be true, but they’re probably not what your friend needs to hear right now.

6. Assume That Words Will Be Enough.

I am a true believer in the cure of Ben & Jerrys. Flowers, a card, a journal or something tangible would do too. Getting them something lets them know that they have been on your mind outside of actually talking with them. I mean, who doesn’t love receiving thoughtful gifts? This kind gesture stands out and can go a long way.

7. Let Them Dwell on the Breakup.

Take them to a park, the beach, the mall, fishing, anywhere! Get the breakup off their minds and give them hope that there are better things to come in the future/ Doing an actual activity will get the breakup off their minds.

8. Check In Just Once.

The first day, people care ... and then they forget. It’s the next few days that are the worst in a breakup.

9. Invalidate Their Feelings.

One of the most difficult parts about a breakup is not being able to share “the little things” with that significant person anymore—those daily things that happen in small moments that wouldn’t be significant enough to tweet or Facebook, but that you think are funny and weird. Let your friend know they can share those things with you. In reality, they just want to know that someone is going to be there for them.

10. Under-Spiritualize It.

Praying with someone after they’ve had their heart broken allows them to know that God is sovereign and in control. It also allows them to see the big picture and allows them to experience fellowship, which is what they need in that time.

In summary, loving someone who’s hurting is all about taking action. Letting your friend know that you’re there for them when they don’t even ask you to is the best thing you can do for your friend.

Taken from http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/10-things-not-do-when-friend-gets-their-heart-broken#64g6SDKRZzipSfTT.99