6 Habits Of Highly Successful People Before Bedtime

We’ve all heard the stories about the mega-successful who wake up early every day and conquer the world before most people put the coffee on. But what about the other time of day that plays an equally important role? What are successful people doing right before bed? Do you want to know the secret? They set themselves up to have an even more productive day tomorrow.
Here are six bedtime habits of highly successful people.

1. Read for an hour

Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates is an avid reader. Each night before bed, he spends an hour reading a book, ranging on topics from politics to current events.
Aside from the obvious benefits of gaining new knowledge, reading daily has also been shown to reduce stress and improve memory. A 2009 study from the University of Essex revealed that reading for as little as six minutes a day can reduce stress levels by up to 68%.
Another big benefit from cracking open a good book on a nightly basis is that it can improve the long term health of your brain. Every time you read, it’s like a mental workout for your mind. This study performed in Britain showed that people who stimulated their minds through activities like reading, reduced cognitive decline by an average of 32% as they got older in age.

2. Unplug

After passing out from exhaustion and injuring her head to the tune of five stitches, Arianna Huffington has been an evangelist for “unplugging”. Every night before bed, she puts her phone in another room so she’s not distracted by it before bed. And science proves that she might be onto something.
According to Dr Charles Czeisler, a professor of sleep medicine at Harvard University, the bright lights produced by our cell phone screens disrupt our bodies natural sleep rhythm and actually “trick” our bodies into thinking it’s daytime. Those bright lights send a message to our brains that prevents certain chemicals from being released, causing us to have a much harder time going to sleep. So, if you want a good night’s rest, stash your phone in another room.

3. Take a walk

The busy CEO of Buffer likes to unwind with a brisk walk right before bed. He uses his walks to turn off his thoughts about work, and slowly work his self into a “state of tiredness”.
For a busy person always on the go, Joel’s late night walk routine could be perfect way to unwind after a stressful day. And aside from the obvious health benefits of daily walk, there a couple of surprising bonuses that come along as well.
One study revealed that walking can increase creativity. When you’re walking, your mind isn’t working as vigorously, which “opens up the free flow of ideas.” So if you’ve got a tough problem you haven’t been able to solve, maybe a nice, night time stroll is all you need to find the perfect, creative solution.

4. Meditate

The media maven has long supported the idea of regular meditation. No doubt, Ms. Winfrey has a schedule that keeps her mighty busy, and what better way to unwind at the end of a stressful day, than with a focused meditation session.
There’s often times a stigma surrounding meditation, and there has always been a debate as to whether mediation is actually helpful. But when a 2014 study took a look at over 19,000 cases involving mediation, the results were clear. Meditation was found to help reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and pain. So regardless of one’s view of mediation, you can’t argue with the results.

5. Get creative

In 2006, Vera Wang stated to Fortune that her nightly routine includes, “a fair amount of designing — at least conceptually if not literally.” Sometimes, the quiet of the night can be the perfect remedy for a creative block.
What’s even more surprising is that there’s a study that actually shows night time can be the perfect time for creativity, even if you’re tired from a long day. A study from Albion College revealed that, “tasks requiring creative insight was consistently better during their nonoptimal times of day.”. 
So if you’re a morning person (raises hand), then your most creative ideas will come right before bed. Researchers believe this is true because your mind is less restrained at night. Your ability to make logical connections worsens, but it works in your favor because you’re able to make connections you wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.

6. Plan the next day

The American Express CEO likes to manage his time, and he does so by ending his nights in a very simple way. He plans out three things he wants to accomplish for the following day. That way, he can wake up in the morning, and get to work on his most important tasks, right away.
This study from the early 90′s supports Chenault’s strange addiction with planning. Researchers followed a group of students from their high school years, until four years later at the end of their college careers. The researchers tested these students on their time management skills in high school, and when they caught up with those students four years later, they made a shocking discovery.
The students with better time management skills, had higher college GPA’s then their peers who had higher SAT scores. Basically, time management played a bigger role in their academic success than actual scholastic aptitude.

15 Things to Start Doing By the Time You’re 30

First off, nothing magical happens when you turn 30.

That sounds dumb, but it's worth mentioning. The word thirties hangs over most of us like a solemn marker of adulthood, as if you'll wake up on your 30th birthday with wizened eyes and a headful of sage wisdom.
The truth is, everything on this list is worth doing in your twenties (or your teens, if you're so inclined) but we talk about it like this because though nothing magical happens on your thirtieth birthday, 30 years is enough time to work out some of life's kinks and pick up on some good habits.
All that's to say, there's no reason you should have all this mastered by the time you're 30. But, then again, there's no reason not to try.

 

Waking Up Earlier Than You Have To

What do Twitter/Square founder Jack Dorsey, Richard Branson, Apple’s Tim Cook, legendary Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour, Condoleezza Rice and dozens of other successful leaders all have in common? They get out of bed before 6 a.m. every morning. Even Aristotle advocated waking up early, famously quipping, "It is well to be up before daybreak, for such habits contribute to health, wealth, and wisdom."
Through college and in our twenties, hitting the snooze button is a staple of Saturday mornings and workweek rushing around, but there’s a reason so many influential people get started early. Waking up before you have to lets you find time to pray, exercise or just spend a few minutes alone before the craziness of the day begins.

 

Saving Money

Starting to save money not only sets you up for a more secure future, it can also help instill financial discipline as you enter into your prime earning years. And, if you start at a young enough age, it can also add up fast: According to CNN Money, if you put aside $3,000 a year from ages 25-35 in a tax-deferred retirement account, by the time you hit 65, you’ll have $472,000 in the bank.

 

Actually Caring About What You Eat

Most people in their late twenties have come to the harsh realization that for reasons that are totally unfair, your metabolism has a tendency to slow down with age. Basically, we all will hit a certain age when we can no longer eat an entire pizza and drink four Dr. Peppers without feeling like garbage shortly afterwards. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying life—and some junk food every now and then—but your thirties are a time to create, and sustain, healthy patterns you’ll carry throughout adulthood.

 

Making Margin in Your Life

By the time you hit 30, there’s a good chance the routine of family, job, bills and adulthood limits the free time that was once a part of twentysomething life. Creating margin—to read, volunteer, pray, travel or just do the things you want to do—is easy to neglect with the stresses that come along with being a thirtysomething. Do yourself a favor: Make margin in your day-to-day life, and don’t try to fill every waking moment with more busyness.

 

Creating a Pattern of Giving in Your Finances

Life is expensive. Even if you’re settled into a good-paying career by the time you’re 30, paying down student loans, owning a home, buying a car, paying the bills and balancing a checkbook may not leave much left over. But along with your tithes, establishing a pattern of giving (to charities, ministries or even to friends and families in need), can serve as a constant reminder of who your money actually belongs to.

 

Becoming Friends With People Much Older Than You

For most people, up to your late twenties, most relationships with people much older than yourself are predicated on some sort of authority structure—your parents, your teachers, your bosses, your pastors. But by the time you’re 30, actually becoming friends with people you look up to not only adds new dynamics to mentorship, it also broadens your social circles.

 

Letting Go of Baggage from Bad Relationships

Don’t let baggage from bad breakups, arguments with old friends or hurtful comments from the past haunt you into your adult life. Even if reconciliation isn’t possible, forgiveness always is.

 

Being Content With the Life You Have (While Still Trying to Accomplish Your Dreams)

It’s never too late to try to write that novel, start that business, travel the world or launch that social activism campaign you’ve always dreamed about. But even if your life goals haven’t happened by the time you’ve hit 30, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be content with the life you have. Finding the balance between ambition and contentment isn’t easy, but it’s part of living with big dreams.

 

Reading the News Every Day

Before you can change the world, you have to be informed about the problems facing it. Reading headlines online, listening to NPR or just tuning into the evening news can be a gateway to knowing how to make a difference and instituting real change.

 

Learning to Unplug

It’s easy to get stuck in a pattern of working long hours, being tied to the phone or just binge watching shows on Netflix during every minute of free time. None of those things are necessarily bad in doses, but if you’re spending your whole life plugged into a device, you may be missing out on some pretty great experiences.

 

Finding Organizations or Causes to Support Long-Term

Partnering with organizations like WorldReach (who allows you to sponsor children) and Charity: Water (who lets you tell your friends to donate instead of getting you a birthday present every year) or finding a cause like ending human trafficking, supporting education or assisting the homeless can represent more than just one-time gifts or temporary passions. Your 30s are a great time to find causes, organizations and campaigns to be dedicated to throughout your life.

 

Making Exercise a Lifestyle

You don’t have to join an expensive gym or jump on the next fitness trend bandwagon to make exercise a part of your life. Ride your bike to work. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Join a community sports league with friends. Making exercise a regular part of your schedule helps it to become a lifestyle, not an afterthought or another chore you have to make time for.

 

Actively Combating Spiritual Complacency

At some point, most Christians will deal with spiritual complacency. We get into a routine, and it’s easy to allow actively trying to grow in your faith to become a side note to the day-to-day realities of adult life. Make it a point to stay challenged spiritually—read good books, stay involved in your church, seek ministry opportunities, get a mentor and a mentee. As other parts of your life grow, make sure your faith does too.

 

Being Intentional With Relationships

The older you get, the more time becomes a precious commodity. Unlike the college days, when you’d see your buddies between every class, once you get plugged into a job and family life, it can be hard to make time to see your friends. In your twenties and thirties, be intentional about getting together with friends and relatives (who are also probably pretty busy), and invest in relationships over obligations.

 

Buying Things That Last

For many people in their twenties, paying extra to purchase high-quality items—from clothes and accessories, to furniture and appliances—just isn’t practical as they are settling into new careers and finding their financial footing. But as you save more and become more established in your job, purchasing quality items (and fewer of them because they last so long) puts the emphasis on sustainability and craftsmanship instead of fast fashion disposability.

Taken from http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/15-things-start-doing-time-youre-30

31 Haunting Images Of Abandoned Places That Will Give You Goose Bumps

The world is full of wondrous things, some consistently packed with gawking tourist and others almost entirely abandoned.
Here’s a selection of some of those fascinating empty spaces, ghost towns that are rich with history and the stories of the people that used to occupy them.
While most continue to rust and crumble in their neglect, all remain hauntingly beautiful.

1. I.M. Cooling Tower, Belgium
This cooling tower is part of an abandoned power plant station in Monceau-sur-Sambre, Belgium.


2. Kolmanskop, Namibia
Kolmanskop, a small settlement in Namibia, is a ghost town today but was booming in the early 1900s when Germans realized the area was rich with diamonds.

3. Floating Forest, Sydney
The hull of the SS Ayrfield, one of many decommissioned ships in Homebush Bay, harbors an over 100 year-old floating forest.

4. The Maunsell Sea Forts, Engalnd
The Maunsell Sea Forts were constructed to help defend against German air and naval raids during World War II. They were decommissioned in the late 1950s.

5. Last House on Holland Island, USA
This house was the last surviving home of an island community in Chesapeake Bay. It collapsed in 2010.

6. Pripyat, Ukraine
This city was evacuated during a disastrous nuclear power plant accident in 1986. It remains a ghost town to this day.


7. House of the Bulgarian Communist Party, Bulgaria
The former headquarters of the Bulgarian Communist Party were neglected after the fall of the Soviet Union.

8. Nara Dreamland, Japan
This Disneyland-inspired theme park was only open for 45 years, from 1961-2006.

9. Uninhabited Island in Southwest Florida, USA
These domed structures on Cape Romano off the coast of Florida were once a holiday home of oil producer Bob Lee.

10. Abandoned Mill, Italy
When operating, this mill in Sorrento, Italy produced flour.

11. Michigan Central Station, Detroit, USA
Once Detroit’s main passenger depot, several planning mistakes led to this station’s gradual decline.


12. Sunken Yacht, Antarctica
The Mar Sem Fim was a Brazillian yacht that shipwrecked in Maxwell Bay in Ardley Cove in Antarctica. The vessel froze and sunk into the water, but has since been salvaged.

13. The Orpheum Theater, Massachusetts, USA
This New Bedford theater was open from 1912-1959. After its closing, it stored tobacco and currently houses a supermarket.

14. Abandoned Train Station, Abkhazia, Georgia
This train station was abandoned during a war in 1992 and remains isolated because of the regional dispute between Georgia and Russia.

15. Abandoned Wooden Houses, Russia
These hauntingly beautiful structures can be found in an isolated forest in Russia.

16. Underwater City, Shicheng, China
This over 1,300 year-old underwater city was submerged in 1959 during the construction of a hydropower station. Sealed underwater and safe from wind and rain erosion, the city is still in fairly good condition.

17. The City Hall Subway Stop, New York, USA
This metro station sits below City Hall in New York City. It was abandoned because of its lack of adequate traffic and the curved layout that made it unsafe for newer and longer trains.

18. Salto Hotel, Colombia
Now a museum, the Salto Hotel was initially abandoned because of declined interest in the nearby waterfall.

19. Abandoned Subway Tunnel, Kiev, Ukraine
This picture was captured in the underground metro system of Kiev in the Ukraine.

20. Abandoned Submarine Base in Balaklava, Ukraine
While this submarine dock may not be entirely abandoned, it was once one of the Soviet Union’s most secret sites and was said to be able to endure a direct nuclear strike.

21. Abandoned Military Hospital, Beelitz, Germany
Parts of this military hospital, built in the late 1800s, remain in operation, but most have been abandoned.


22. Hashima Island, Japan
This island was once populated due to its access to undersea coal mines. However, interest declined after Japan gradually switched from coal to petroleum.


23. Sanzhi, Taiwan
These houses were initially built to serve as vacation destinations, particularly for US military officers.

24. Abandoned Church in the Snow, Canada
Now abandoned, Saint Mary’s Church in Sorrento, British Columbia remains eerily beautiful.



taken from: http://www.earthporm.com/haunting-images-abandoned-places/

9 Things to Do While You’re Still Single Read

I’ve been single my entire life so far. And while there are difficult days, there are definitely upsides to being single that can be overlooked. There’s no reason to sit around, waiting for the dream guy or girl to come along.
As for me, I’m learning to live life, no matter my relationship status. And whether or not you ever get married, singleness is simply better suited to some activities and bits than marriage is.
After polling my married friends and reflecting over my life, here are the top things to do while you’re still single:

1. Travel As Much As Possible.

You have the time now and no one else’s schedule to work around! Go for it.
I’ve been fortunate enough to fly to visit college friends in Seattle and South Carolina, stand in my friend’s wedding in Texas, go on summer camping trips and spontaneous day road trips, and even live in three different states in the past few years.
Traveling gives you a chance to experience new things, expand your worldview and gives you a sense of pride (the good kind) in your abilities to handle things on your own. Plus, it’s just fun!

2. Save Money.

I’ll admit, this is one I am still working on. Adjusting to marriage can be difficult enough without the added stress of financial burdens. Many of my married friends recommend building up your savings and paying off as many loans as possible now as opposed to later. Also, practice budgeting now (I’m preaching to the choir here)—it’ll be one less thing to adjust to in married life eventually.

3. Enjoy Time With Friends

This one goes for time with both married and single friends. I treasure my relationships with my friends in both categories. Since I only have my schedule to consider right now, setting up times to grab coffee or go on weekend excursions is rather simple. Use this precious time with friends to the fullest—don’t let it slip by.

4. Get Involved With Church

Along with the time with friends, connecting at church is much easier to commit to when you’re single. I’m currently helping out with my church’s children’s ministry and love that I can dedicate as much time to it as I do. I’m usually free for the extracurricular events outside of Sunday mornings, too, so I try to help out with those as often as possible.
It can be easy to feel down about how open your schedule may seem without weekly romantic dates to go on, but it’s so fulfilling to use this season of life to invest in others.

5. Live With Friends

Once you marry your future spouse, that’s the last roommate you’ll ever choose to live with. Kind of crazy to think about, huh? So if you’ve always thought it would be fun to be the Rachel to your friend’s Monica or the Chandler to your friend’s Joey (sorry, I couldn’t resist a Friends TV show reference), what better time than now? I had a roommate who became a friend during my time living in Texas, and now my sister and I share a place, which is great. We both know that we might not be roommates forever — although we do have a backup plan to become crazy cat ladies together if necessary (just kidding…we like dogs better) — so we’re enjoying all the Netflix marathons, meals together, and general silliness we’re having while living together currently.

6. Go For Any Academic Dreams You Have.

When I entered college, my plan was to find a guy there, get engaged, graduate and get married.
Simple, right?
Well, thankfully God had different plans, because what I didn’t realize about myself back then was that I can be very easily distracted from a goal. Had I had a boyfriend, maybe I would have been too preoccupied to fully go after a dream I’d had since I was 8 years old: to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree. I ended up graduating with my BA in four years.
It’s never too late to go back, get another degree, go for a Master’s, etc, but it gets much more difficult once you’re married or thinking about starting a family. So if you have an education dream, now is the time.

7. Go On Mission Trips

This one goes along with the travel point. I am going on my first mission trip as an adult this summer (I’ve previously gone on two when I was still in high school) and I’m very excited about taking such a big step in faith. Yes, it takes a lot of commitment now, but it’s something I wanted to do during my time of singleness because I’ve had several friends, most of whom are married with young kids, who tell me they’d love to go on one too but it’s not the right time in life for them currently. For me, it is, and it’s something I don’t want to waste.

8. Establish Routines For Whatever You’re Passionate About.

If you have something you’ve always wanted to pursue, be it a new hobby, sport, dream, so on, work toward it now. Don’t let it be that mystical thing that you’ll get around to “eventually.” Sure, you’re busy, but you still have more free time now than you will later in life, so be brave and try something new!

9. Spend time with God

This one may seem obvious, but it’s interesting how easily it can be overlooked, at least in my own life. I have tons of time to do all the things I mentioned above, but most important of all is to spend quality time with my Savior.
Make it a part of your daily life now to read your Bible, pray, journal and go to a Bible study. Don’t forget the One who loves you most of all. It’s a great, important thing to try to accomplish everything listed above, but if we miss this last point, our time without a significant other will have been without a real purpose.
So, go ahead, embrace this thing we call singleness, achieve your goals, and follow God above all. Because life doesn’t start when you’re married—life is happening now.

This article was originally posted at truelovedates.com

Happy Thoughts: Here are the things proven to make you happier:

 

What’s the secret to a head full of happy thoughts?

Time to round up the research on living a happy life to see what we can use.
First, yeah, a good chunk of happiness is controlled by your genes but there’s a lot you can do to make yourself happier. Many of these techniques have been repeatedly tested and even worked with the clinically depressed.

Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude

I can’t emphasize this one enough. Showing gratitude for the good things you have is the most powerful happiness boosting activity there is.

It will make you happier.

It will improve your relationships.

It can make you a better person.

It can make life better for everyone around you.

Bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists. Why? They feel grateful to get a medal at all.
Every night before you go to bed write three good things that happened to you that day. Jotting those down is pretty much all it takes to get a boost in well-being over time.
There’s a second lesson here: the reverse is also true. Keeping track of the bad things will make you miserable. A convenient memory is a powerful thing. Do not train your brain to see the negative, teach it to see the positive.
Wanna make yourself and someone else extremely happy? Try a gratitude visit. Write someone a letter thanking them and telling them how much what they have done for you means. Visit them and read it in person. It’s a proven happiness WMD. More info here.

Do what you are good at as often as you can

“Signature strengths” are the things you are uniquely good at and using them increases happy thoughts. Exercising signature strengths is why starving artists are happier with their jobs.
Think about the best possible version of yourself and move toward that. Signature strengths are the secret to experiencing more “flow” at work and in life.

Spend as much time as possible with people you like

Spend as much time as possible with people you like. The happiest people are social with strong relationships. Not spending more time with people we love is something we regret the most.

Being able to spend more time with friends provides an increase in happiness worth up to an additional $133,000 a year. (Values for your other relationships are here.)

Being compassionate makes us happier (causal, not correlative.) Share the best events of your day with loved ones and ask them to do the same. And compliment them — we love compliments more than money or sex.

But I’m an introvert, you say? A little bit of extraversion here would do you good. Happiness is more contagious than unhappiness so with amount of exposure to others well-being scales.

Money is good. Many other things are better.

After about 75K a year, money has minimal effects on happiness. Read that again. Not that money won’t increase happiness but if you want to be happier your time and energy are better spent elsewhere. It will not increase your moment to moment mood.
The Amish are as satisfied as billionaires and slumdwellers can be surprisingly happy. The happiest of all income groups is people making 50-75k a year. Money is good but wanting money can be bad.

Give

Giving makes us happier than receiving. In fact, it can create a feedback loop of happiness in your life. Volunteering makes us happier and can therefore be the most selfless way to be selfish.
Helping others reach their goals brings joy. Doing nice things for others today can literally make you happier for the rest of the week.

Savor

Take time to really enjoy the good things. What are the best ways to savor?

• Positive mental time travel: Happy memories or looking forward to something
• Being present: Not letting your mind wander and being absorbed in the moment.

Savoring is one of the secrets of the happiest people. Focusing on the limited time you have in this life is a good way to remind you to savor what is important.

Strive

You don’t usually do what brings you joy, you do what is easy. Set ambitious goals and strive. Thinking about what happens to you in terms of your self-esteem will crush you — look at life as growing and learning.
Sitting on the couch watching TV does not make you happy. You are happier when you are busy and are probably have more fun at work than at home. Thinking and working can beat sad feelings. A wandering mind is not a happy mind. Mastering skills is stressful in the short term and happiness-boosting in the long term.

Be optimistic, even to the border of delusion

Optimism is key. Yes, pessimism softens the blow of bad news but it isn’t worth it.
Does this make you out of touch with reality? Maybe but being a little deluded is good:

• People with positive illusions about their relationship are more satisfied, score higher on love and trust and have fewer problems.

• Overconfidence increases producitivity and improves teamwork.

• “Self-deception has been associated with stress reduction, a positive self-bias, and increased pain tolerance, all of which could enhance motivation and performance during competitive tasks.“

Love means being slightly deluded. Happy people believe their partner is a little more awesome than they really are. Someone you think is great who also thinks you’re great — it’s one of the primary things you should look for in a marriage partner.
Thinking happy thoughts, giving hugs and smiling sound like unscientific hippie silliness but they all work.

Fundamentals are fundamental

Cranky? Before you blame the world, eat something. Take a nap — it can purge negative emotions and increase happy thoughts. Sleep is vital because your mood in the morning affects your mood all day.
Get your sleep. You cannot get away with cheating yourself on sleep and being tired makes it harder to be happy.

Frequency beats intensity

Lots of little good things is the path to happiness. You want frequent boosts not rare big stuff. (And this explains the best method of how to split a dinner bill with friends.) For the most part, don’t bother to try and reduce the bad so much as you increase the good.
Stop thinking about big events that might make you thrilled — it’s the little things of everyday life that make lasting improvements to our happiness. You’re not going to win the lottery and it wouldn’t have the impact you think it would.

Avoid life’s most common regrets

We know what people most often regret before they die:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

There are things you can do every day to improve your life.

6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want

How does hostage negotiation get people to change their minds?

The Behavioral Change Stairway Model was developed by the FBI’s hostage negotiation unit, and it shows the 5 steps to getting someone else to see your point of view and change what they’re doing.
It’s not something that only works with barricaded criminals wielding assault rifles — it applies to most any form of disagreement.
There are five steps:

1. Active Listening: Listen to their side and make them aware you’re listening.
2. Empathy: You get an understanding of where they’re coming from and how they feel.
3. Rapport: Empathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. They start to trust you.
4. Influence: Now that they trust you, you’ve earned the right to work on problem solving with them and recommend a course of action.
5. Behavioral Change: They act. (And maybe come out with their hands up.)

The problem is, you’re probably screwing it up.

What you’re doing wrong

In all likelihood you usually skip the first three steps. You start at 4 (Influence) and expect the other person to immediately go to 5 (Behavioral Change).
And that never works.
Saying “Here’s why I’m right and you’re wrong” might be effective if people were fundamentally rational.
But they’re not.
From my interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris Voss:

…business negotiations try to pretend that emotions don’t exist. What’s your best alternative to a negotiated agreement, or ‘BATNA’?  That’s to try to be completely unemotional and rational, which is a fiction about negotiation. Human beings are incapable of being rational, regardless… So instead of pretending emotions don’t exist in negotiations, hostage negotiators have actually designed an approach that takes emotions fully into account and uses them to influence situations, which is the reality of the way all negotiations go…

The most critical step in the Behavioral Change Staircase is actually the first part: Active listening.
The other steps all follow from it. But most people are terrible at listening.
Here’s Chris again:

If while you’re making your argument, the only time the other side is silent is because they’re thinking about their own argument, they’ve got a voice in their head that’s talking to them. They’re not listening to you. When they’re making their argument to you, you’re thinking about your argument, that’s the voice in your head that’s talking to you. So it’s very much like dealing with a schizophrenic.

If your first objective in the negotiation, instead of making your argument, is to hear the other side out, that’s the only way you can quiet the voice in the other guy’s mind. But most people don’t do that. They don’t walk into a negotiation wanting to hear what the other side has to say. They walk into a negotiation wanting to make an argument. They don’t pay attention to emotions and they don’t listen.

The basics of active listening are pretty straightforward:

1. Listen to what they say. Don’t interrupt, disagree or “evaluate.”
2. Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.”
3. Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.
4. Inquire. Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.

So what six techniques do FBI hostage negotiation professionals use to take it to the next level?

1. Ask open-ended questions

You don’t want yes/no answers, you want them to open up.
Via Crisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition: Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and Corrections:

A good open-ended question would be “Sounds like a tough deal. Tell me how it all happened.” It is non-judgmental, shows interest, and is likely to lead to more information about the man’s situation. A poor response would be “Do you have a gun? What kind? How many bullets do you have?” because it forces the man into one-word answers, gives the impression that the negotiator is more interested in the gun than the man, and communicates a sense of urgency that will build rather than defuse tension.

2. Effective pauses

Pausing is powerful. Use it for emphasis, to encourage someone to keep talking or to defuse things when people get emotional.
Gary Noesner, author of Stalling for Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator has said:

Eventually, even the most emotionally overwrought subjects will find it difficult to sustain a one-sided argument, and they again will return to meaningful dialogue with negotiators. Thus, by remaining silent at the right times, negotiators actually can move the overall negotiation process forward.

3. Minimal Encouragers

Brief statements to let the person know you’re listening and to keep them talking.
Gary Noesner:

Even relatively simple phrases, such as “yes,” “O.K.,” or “I see,” effectively convey that a negotiator is paying attention to the subject. These responses will encourage the subject to continue talking and gradually relinquish more control of the situation to the negotiator.

4. Mirroring

Repeating the last word or phrase the person said to show you’re listening and engaged. Yes, it’s that simple — just repeat the last word or two:
Gary Noesner:

For example, a subject may declare, “I’m sick and tired of being pushed around,” to which the negotiator can respond, “Feel pushed, huh?”

5. Paraphrasing

Repeating what the other person is saying back to them in your own words. This powerfully shows you really do understand and aren’t merely parroting.
From my interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris Voss:

The idea is to really listen to what the other side is saying and feed it back to them. It’s kind of a discovery process for both sides. First of all, you’re trying to discover what’s important to them, and secondly, you’re trying to help them hear what they’re saying to find out if what they are saying makes sense to them.

6. Emotional Labeling

Give their feelings a name. It shows you’re identifying with how they feel. Don’t comment on the validity of the feelings — they could be totally crazy — but show them you understand.
Via Crisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition: Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and Corrections:

A good use of emotional labeling would be “You sound pretty hurt about being left. It doesn’t seem fair.” because it recognizes the feelings without judging them. It is a good Additive Empathetic response because it identifies the hurt that underlies the anger the woman feels and adds the idea of justice to the actor’s message, an idea that can lead to other ways of getting justice.

A poor response would be “You don’t need to feel that way. If he was messing around on you, he was not worth the energy.” It is judgmental. It tells the subject how not to feel. It minimizes the subject’s feelings, which are a major part of who she is. It is Subtractive Empathy.

10 Things Should You Do Every Day To Improve Your Life

10 things that scientific research shows can help improve your life.

1) Get out in nature

You probably seriously underestimate how important this is. (Actually, there’s research that says you do.) Being in nature reduces stress, makes you more creative, improves your memory and may even make you a better person.

2) Exercise

We all know how important this is, but few people do it consistently. Other than health benefits too numerous to mention, exercise makes you smarter, happier, improves sleep, increases libido and makes you feel better about your body. A Harvard study that has tracked a group of men for more than 70 years identified it as one of the secrets to a good life.

3) Spend time with friends and family

Harvard happiness expert Daniel Gilbert identified this as one of the biggest sources of happiness in our lives. Relationships are worth more than you think (approximately an extra $131,232 a year.) Not feeling socially connected can make you stupider and kill you. Loneliness can lead to heart attack, stroke and diabetes. The longest lived people on the planet all place a strong emphasis on social engagement and good relationships are more important to a long life than even exercise. Friends are key to improving your life. Share good news and enthusiatically respond when others share good news with you to improve your relationships. Want to instantly be happier? Do something kind for them.

4) Express gratitude

It will make you happier.
It will improve your relationships.
It can make you a better person.
It can make life better for everyone around you.

5) Meditate

Meditation can increase happiness, meaning in life, social support and attention span while reducing anger, anxiety, depression and fatigue. Along similar lines, prayer can make you feel better — even if you’re not religious.

6) Get enough sleep

You can’t cheat yourself on sleep and not have it affect you. Being tired actually makes it harder to be happy. Lack of sleep = more likely to get sick. “Sleeping on it” does improve decision making. Lack of sleep can make you more likely to behave unethically. There is such a thing as beauty sleep.
Naps are great too. Naps increase alertness and performance on the job, enhance learning ability and purge negative emotions while enhancing positive ones. Here’s how to improve your naps.

7) Challenge yourself

Learning another language can keep your mind sharp. Music lessons increase intelligence. Challenging your beliefs strengthens your mind. Increasing willpower just takes a little effort each day and it’s more responsible for your success than IQ. Not getting an education or taking advantage of opportunities are two of the things people look back on their lives and regret the most.

8) Laugh

People who use humor to cope with stress have better immune systems, reduced risk of heart attack and stroke, experience less pain during dental work and live longer. Laughter should be like a daily vitamin. Just reminiscing about funny moments can improve your relationship. Humor has many benefits.

9) Touch someone

Touching can reduce stress, improve team performance, and help you be persuasive. Hugs make you happier. Sex may help prevent heart attacks and cancer, improve your immune system and extend your life.

10) Be optimistic

Optimism can make you healthier, happier and extend your life. The Army teaches it in order to increase mental toughness in soldiers. Being overconfident improves performance.