“Ohhh, you guys broke up? I’m so sorry.
Let me know if you need anything!"
You may have received or sent a text like this after
hearing about a friend’s relationship ending. It can be awkward to know what to
do when a friend experiences heartbreak. Do you give them space? Do you go sit
with them? What do you say?
Like everything else in life, it’s easier to get
through with friends by your side. But here are a few things those friends
shouldn't do.
1. Say "I'm
Sorry" and Leave It at That.
“I’m sorry” is a fine thing to say, but that’s not what a person going
through a breakup needs. They need to know their friends are going to be there
for them and love them. Even a simple “I love you so much. I just want to let
you know that I’m here for you” is great. The mind can be filled with a lot of
dark thoughts during this time, so it’s important to override those negative
thoughts with positive thoughts.
2. Say “Let Me Know If
You Need Anything.”
Though you probably have the best intentions, this is
basically an easy way out of the conversation. It lets you off the hook from
actually doing anything and puts the ball in that person’s court. A person
who is hurting probably isn’t going to reach out to his or her friends and ask
them for stuff. They feel really vulnerable and just want others to
reach out to them. Any sort of action that makes you go out of your way is
going to mean a lot.
3. Assume They Need
Alone Time.
A lot of times after a breakup, people find themselves
alone. Personally, I went to the mall by myself right afterward to do some
retail therapy. I would have loved it if someone could have joined me. It’s
that whole “being alone thing” that your friend is going to have a tough time
with.
4. Leave It Up to Them
to Reach Out for Help.
Often, people say “call me if you want to talk.”
Again, well-intentioned, but an easy way out. A person experiencing heartache
does not want to feel like a burden. Calling them lets them know that you
really do care and want to hear their heart.
5. Try to Fix
Everything.
When you do talk or get together, be willing to just
listen without interrupting. Though things like “I guess it just wasn’t meant
to be” or “God will bring the right person along eventually” may be true, but
they’re probably not what your friend needs to hear right now.
6. Assume That Words
Will Be Enough.
I am a true believer in the cure of Ben & Jerrys.
Flowers, a card, a journal or something tangible would do too. Getting them
something lets them know that they have been on your mind outside of actually
talking with them. I mean, who doesn’t love receiving thoughtful gifts? This
kind gesture stands out and can go a long way.
7. Let Them Dwell on the
Breakup.
Take them to a park, the beach, the mall, fishing,
anywhere! Get the breakup off their minds and give them hope that there are
better things to come in the future/ Doing an actual activity will get the
breakup off their minds.
8. Check In Just Once.
The first day, people care ... and then they forget.
It’s the next few days that are the worst in a breakup.
9. Invalidate Their
Feelings.
One of the most difficult parts about a breakup is not
being able to share “the little things” with that significant person
anymore—those daily things that happen in small moments that wouldn’t be
significant enough to tweet or Facebook, but that you think are funny and
weird. Let your friend know they can share those things with you. In reality,
they just want to know that someone is going to be there for them.
10. Under-Spiritualize
It.
Praying with someone after they’ve had their heart
broken allows them to know that God is sovereign and in control. It also allows
them to see the big picture and allows them to experience fellowship, which is
what they need in that time.
In summary, loving someone who’s hurting is all
about taking action. Letting your friend know that you’re there for them when
they don’t even ask you to is the best thing you can do for your friend.
